This is when I tell myself, "I will NOT do this EVER AGAIN. Its Too Much, I'm Too Stressed. This is the LAST TIME!... {Until the next holiday/ family event}"
Why IS it, that this situation keeps REPEATING itself?!...
Answer: Because I let it.
Simple as that. I hate the truth of it, but that's all it is. I LET it happen. I can actually say NO any time I want to... but I don't. Between all the things I WANT to do, the things I NEED to do, and the things I "SHOULD" do, I am constantly overbooked. I have been trained to say "yes", programmed to agree, and raised to have a sense of duty toward both family and commitments.
*****
My weekend went on to have more stressful moments... (totally avoidable with boundaries and limiting decisions about what to take on, but yeah).
Like when our grocery bill from that trip totaled $100+ due to our panic over providing food for the weekend ahead: About $98 of our purchase provided for a gathering of only 5-6 people on Sunday (Meat NOT included, only Sides for the BBQ: 6 bags of chip options, dip and salsa, several drink options, vegetables, fruit and other snacks). Around $35 was spent on a couple cans of cat food, sandwich fixings, and snacks for lunch that day for only 3 people.
Friday Night - Exhaustion:
Don't ask me my THIS week was especially taxing. It could have been the countdown to July with our Spending Ban and other Focus Areas becoming solidified, it might have been the mild sunburn I got while gardening Thursday afternoon, or the terrible sleep we had been getting since the start of LAST Weekend - when I provided music for a family memorial service, while we simultaneously housesat for a family member with a pet that required constant checking in on, bathroom breaks, and scheduled medications. Our bed is already horrible, but somehow our sleep had been just awful from Friday night till at least Wednesday, so we were still recovering...
Which took us into THIS weekend already on Burnout. When we found that we both had a half-work on day Friday, we spent pretty much the rest of the afternoon in bed. We snacked instead of cooked, we rested and watching absurd amounts of TV, and did our best to accomplish as little as possible. And THAT'S why our plan to shop for food Friday night was not fulfilled. We both needed the break. We knew this weekend would be busy, so we took what we could get.
Like when our grocery bill from that trip totaled $100+ due to our panic over providing food for the weekend ahead: About $98 of our purchase provided for a gathering of only 5-6 people on Sunday (Meat NOT included, only Sides for the BBQ: 6 bags of chip options, dip and salsa, several drink options, vegetables, fruit and other snacks). Around $35 was spent on a couple cans of cat food, sandwich fixings, and snacks for lunch that day for only 3 people.
Friday Night - Exhaustion:
Don't ask me my THIS week was especially taxing. It could have been the countdown to July with our Spending Ban and other Focus Areas becoming solidified, it might have been the mild sunburn I got while gardening Thursday afternoon, or the terrible sleep we had been getting since the start of LAST Weekend - when I provided music for a family memorial service, while we simultaneously housesat for a family member with a pet that required constant checking in on, bathroom breaks, and scheduled medications. Our bed is already horrible, but somehow our sleep had been just awful from Friday night till at least Wednesday, so we were still recovering...
Which took us into THIS weekend already on Burnout. When we found that we both had a half-work on day Friday, we spent pretty much the rest of the afternoon in bed. We snacked instead of cooked, we rested and watching absurd amounts of TV, and did our best to accomplish as little as possible. And THAT'S why our plan to shop for food Friday night was not fulfilled. We both needed the break. We knew this weekend would be busy, so we took what we could get.
Saturday, we went out on the lake (my side):
After running straight to the grocery store, packing things into the car, and getting ourselves on the road, neither one of us had eaten any breakfast - so I decided that along with our sandwiches, we would grab a couple pizzas to make sure that everyone wasn't starving. Reaching the lake, we had a lovely visit for a few hours, then cut our day short when someone in our party called for a ride home (rather than talk to us about leaving) so we obligingly packed up for the day. No One ate the sandwiches. (Yup, we spent a good $30 on food for THAT day that was never touched)
Then we spent extra hours in the car driving everyone to their individual destinations (hello boundaries??). By the time we got home we were so tired from the day, we just got ready for bed.
Oh, and did I mention that our muffler cracked from driving down bumpy dirt roads?! Yes, I know it was on it's way, the rust would have gotten there eventually, but all the rushing around and extra commitments certainly got us there faster!
Then we spent extra hours in the car driving everyone to their individual destinations (hello boundaries??). By the time we got home we were so tired from the day, we just got ready for bed.
Oh, and did I mention that our muffler cracked from driving down bumpy dirt roads?! Yes, I know it was on it's way, the rust would have gotten there eventually, but all the rushing around and extra commitments certainly got us there faster!
On Sunday, we had a small BBQ (his side):
On Sunday, I also agreed to work an "emergency shift" Sunday morning (it was NOT an Emergency, as it turns out, but that's another story)... so I left food prep to my family for that afternoon. When I came back, 6 hours later, NOTHING had been cooked OR prepped.
So I used the majority of my work-break (Yes, I had to go back to work in the evening) to wash and cut up vegetables, skew kabobs, boil corn, find serving platters, organize food, and pack up anything that we were finished with for a quick clean up after dinner. I didn't really get to sit and visit. I know everyone enjoyed the food, but the whole day felt under-appreciated and unseen for its full effort and investment. I left with a mixed feeling of not regretting our plans, but not happy with how "put out" I felt.
So I used the majority of my work-break (Yes, I had to go back to work in the evening) to wash and cut up vegetables, skew kabobs, boil corn, find serving platters, organize food, and pack up anything that we were finished with for a quick clean up after dinner. I didn't really get to sit and visit. I know everyone enjoyed the food, but the whole day felt under-appreciated and unseen for its full effort and investment. I left with a mixed feeling of not regretting our plans, but not happy with how "put out" I felt.
And THIS is how EVERY Holiday feels to me...
I put myself out financially, I stress emotionally, and I finish the day (or weekend) completely exhausted. I'm usually handing most of the details from solidifying plans, to orchestrating the day, and wrapping up the event... Even though I'm Not usually hosting, I step up to avoid having a last-minute expectation in my calendar. And after all the work, the most I can expect is a "Thank You" at the end.
I'm not saying that I do this work for praise or accolades. I'm saying I want to DO LESS. I want to show up with my dish to pass, like every other guest and not be bombarded with any extra responsibilities. I want to be a team-player, not the whole team! I want to not stifle tears or have the urge to leave in the middle of an event because I am already spent.
Most of All: I want to NOT run between 3 houses in one day (or give up my whole weekend) just so that someone isn't hurt that I didn't spend THAT holiday with THEM.
Most of All: I want to NOT run between 3 houses in one day (or give up my whole weekend) just so that someone isn't hurt that I didn't spend THAT holiday with THEM.
What ever happened to sending a card? Or fruit basket, or flowers? Those times when people would switch off from one spouse's family to the other's each year? I know SOME people still do this, but not us. So what do I do...?
*****
Recently, I finished the book "Choose Wonder Over Worry" (Amber Rae).
In the chapter labeled "I Don't Have Enough Time", the author describes a conversation with some life advice from a "Wise Older Woman":
[Woman:] "What are you willing to Give Up in order to have to the life you keep saying that you want?"
Liz said, "you're right! I really need to start learning how to say 'No' to things I don't want to do!"
The wise woman corrected her, "No, it's much harder than that. You need learn how to start saying 'No' to things you DO want to do - with the recognition that you have Only one life, and you don't have Time and Energy for Everything."
I don't find it coincidental that the women's name is Liz (though technically she's referring to Elizabeth Gilbert, the writer - but I'm taking it!) Hearing MY name pop through the speakers at this audio book passage, with the phrase "You have to start saying NO to what you DO want to do", was a call to attention. The universe was saying HEY, LISTEN UP! This is for YOU! So I listened, and what's more, I agree!
Looking Ahead:
I can't change how this weekend went. And I don't want to sully the good aspects or memories we have. I DO want to learn from it. As my husband and I move into our Year of Less, we plan to Take On LESS:
- We will not be accepting any last-minute invitations, unless we REALLY want to participate, and can do so without added stress. (This might mean giving up something else in it's place)
- I will only be taking on ONE responsibility per social event, unless I am hosting, then I will delegate appropriately.
- We will maintain only ONE commitment per holiday (unless gatherings can be combined, spread out over two separate weekends, or another workable accommodation).
Furthermore, I am working to set stronger boundaries with my work: I am NOT going to take on any extra shifts for the remainder of this month. We have a vacation planned for the very last week (in celebration of our wedding anniversary) and I don't want to be stressed out or exhausted going into that week. I'm going to practice telling them "I'm unavailable" whenever extra work comes up... UPDATE: Before even publishing this blog post I had the opportunity to flex this muscle. I simply responded "I'm not available then, I'm sorry".
It's a work-in-progress, but the more we recognize what is Too Much, the more we can simplify it into Less.
((Note for the Reader: For those concerned with covid-19 social distancing - these visits were held with immediate family and a small number of guests in attendance))
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