Let me start by saying that this is one of my worst skills. I'm writing this because I know it is a personal struggle that directly impacts my journey from cluttered chaos to a minimalist lifestyle. Even if people in your life are supporting your goals, they can get in your way by eating up your time and energy. Likewise, you can set out with the best plans to get things done, and not set proper boundaries with yourself to avoid distraction. Boundaries are essential for change.
Let me share with you a recent occurrence of a personal boundary issue, that I encountered...
Just this week, a family member hijacked my day off from work. I had made plans with them, to get together around noon for an activity. At 11:15am they called me to say that they needed to run across town (something they had planned to do before we got together, but their day ran behind). I was concerned, with this added errand, that our visit would go past my available time. They knew that I needed to be wrapped up and leaving by 3 p.m.
I gave them the choice: I could come with them on their drive and we could visit in the car, or they could call me when they were back on this side of town and we would see what time there was left. They opted to have me visit with them on their drive. So at noon, I pulled into their driveway and joined them in their car to set off.
We were driving an hour out, in lunchtime traffic, but I wasn't too concerned because we had three hours total to get there and back before I needed to leave. They decided to stop off for some food on the way, so we went inside a fast food place for a quick bite. After that we arrived at our destination.
After waiting for about 20 minutes, I was surprised when this family member turned to me, and stated that they were "thinking we should just visit here for a couple hours before we head back."
Originally, they were supposed to be out in this area earlier in the day, dropping something off, and then they were going to come back and pick it up in the evening... But because things got so delayed, they figured we would just stick around and bring the item back in one trip.
When I looked down at my phone to check the time, I realize that it was already 5 minutes before 3pm. I was absolutely shocked that they had completely violated the time limit I had given our visit, and beyond that, they assumed I could stay longer!
Now, I was across town by an hour, without a vehicle of my own, and way off schedule. I let them know that this was not going to be an option, and in fact I was running late for my own schedule. They quickly adjusted, and we ran an errand for me on the way back to my car. But I did not end up returning to my vehicle until 4:30pm, but I didn't make it home again until after 5pm.
I was exhausted following this visit, so when I got home, I took a nap. After I woke up, my husband and I had dinner and attempted to reclaim our schedule that evening. But things had been pushed so much later then we had planned, that there were several things we weren't able to accomplish. I was upset with myself that I had allowed my day to be taken over - especially when I had so clearly set limitations and boundaries with this person going in! Moving forward, I decided that I'm not comfortable allowing this person to be in charge of transportation during future visits.
Boundaries with Others
Has something like this ever happened to you? People will treat you as you teach them to treat you. If someone is used to you being available for a favor, or to talk on the phone, or to cover a shift at work... they will expect that you are still going to be available in these ways, even if you're working on your own things. Most of the time, it's not malicious when people get in your way. But bear in mind, this doesn't change the fact that they are getting in the way.
If you do have someone who is actively not supporting your lifestyle changes, it may be necessary to keep your progress to yourself. Maybe you just don't share your journey with that person. And perhaps our would be a good idea to take a moment to analyze why they would not be supportive of that change... do they fear that you will no longer need them? Are they worried you will fail? Do they worry that you are going to become a better person and outgrow them?
The changes that you decide to make in your life, and the path that you take, is for you. Don't let anybody else define how you live your life. Suggestions are great, and we all want support, but we don't need approval to go after the things we want in our own lives.
Finding Focus for Yourself
In my process, it is very easy for me to imagine the lifestyle that I want, but it can be difficult to take steps toward creating that vision. It's not just the exhaustion of sorting through things, it can be just as difficult to schedule a block of time for these tasks.
I find it works best to set my phone to airplane mode, and put on a timer, so I can focus on what I need to accomplish without interruption. Otherwise, right as I get started - I'll receive a call from my my mother, then my best friend will message me, and I'll end up pulled into everyone else's day. I do make a point to message my husband, so he knows I'm not available for a limited time frame, but other than that I try to block things out that can wait. My priority is the task in front of me.
If I'm wanting to play music, I'll download a playlist on Spotify and go offline. I try not to listen to podcasts or audio books while I'm sorting, because it distracts my focus. I save those for cleaning tasks only, but it's all personal preference. Use what works for you, as long as it's actually working. (ie, folding laundry in front of the TV may only be a good idea if it's the last thing you're planning to do before you relax that evening)
Boundaries with Yourself
You can also get in your own way of progress. If your tasks are overwhelming, or if you don't set them as a priority, you may find yourself doing other things instead of progressing on your projects of decluttering, exercising, or any other goals you are pursuing. Be honest with yourself. Know when you are feeling overwhelmed or unmotivated, and give yourself the chance to analyze what will work best in that moment. Sometimes breaking down a task into a super simple project, like sorting out one small drawer, can be enough to get over that hump. Sometimes you may need to walk away for a moment and do a bit of self-care.
Really be honest with yourself about what activities recharge you versus distracting you from what you don't want to face. If you sit down and read a book or magazine for 10 minutes, you're going to feel different than if you watch a TV show. Some other great options are to meditate for 15 minutes, or go for a short walk, or take a 20-min nap. Self-care might be all you need to reset and come back to your task at hand.
I find that it is helpful to set a timer, giving myself no more than 30 minutes to do something else, then I check it with how I'm feeling. Try not to nap for longer than 20 or 40 minutes, and often following rest with a healthy snack can reenergize. If you feel like you need to sleep longer than that, maybe you need to look at how well you are sleeping each night. Sleep deprivation can really suck at your energy reserves.
For more information on how to set boundaries, feel free to check out these other articles and blogs:
*Please note, I do NOT own the rights to images used in THIS blog post.
For credit, please contact me.*
For credit, please contact me.*
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